Vasyl Hereha

As the unquestionable heartthrob of the group, Vasyl Hereha has had more than his share of teenage drama in his life. If you were to take the mysterious ways of Superman in Smallville and the girlish debonair and sense of style from the Gilmore Girls, you would definitely get something close to Vasyl. Or some fat old dude who sells bean burritos at the gas station, but 1 out of every 12 times you should get Vasyl. During these profiles I will refer to Vasyl, Jeff, Juan, and myself as vital organs of the human body, depending on each of our very own actions, personalities, and work that we've done on this website project. Vasyl would definitely have to be the balls of the group. He is the one that adds the power, adrenaline, and the occasional hot steamy action needed to fulfill our duty to the site. Well maybe not that last part, but definitely the other two parts. Vasyl grew up in the jungle forests of the Ukraine, surviving only on the carcasses of his dead ancestors, and the occasional bowl of Campbell's Soup. He had no television or entertainment, instead he had to stare at tree roots and large sediments of cow dung to amuse himself. Air was a luxury, so he had to breathe in carbon dioxide for most of his early childhood. We don't know how he survived in this state. We are starting to get the idea that maybe Vasyl is a plant. Just as Vasyl's life began to get better when he was able to rent a cardboard box to live in, things turned for the worst. Large seasonal monsoons from Finland pushed Vasyl into the town of Catskill, where he is doomed to face eternal damnation, and those stupid pot holes on Main Street. Now things are the worst ever, when Vasyl is forced to move that giant Rip Van Winkle statue out of Main Street every winter, and stores it in his mound of dirt that he rents out for 500 dollars a month. Despite all he has been through, Vasyl has managed to find a way to get to the ladies. He holds the record for dating the most girls at the same time, in the same restaurant:54 women. He didn't exactly get far in any of these dates. It was just basically him going to every table and asking women what their sign was, at this point which they through a scolding hot cup of coffee on his face. He still thinks to this day that he got some action that night, but what he really got was just a bunch of friggin burns on his face. Nevertheless, we keep him amused by telling him he's a chick magnet. I on the other hand keep setting him up for dates, hoping he will soon lose both his testicles from angered girls. Well in closure, if there was one word to sum up everything Vasyl Hereha represents it would be...FAG.

Jeff Gao

A shy and sensitive fellow, Jeff Gao is a guy who doesn't let the fact that he's a dude stop him from showing his true inner feelings. He really can let his emotions get the best of him. How emotional is Jeff you say? Well let's just say he ended up going on a killing spree in downtown Catskill that led to the death of over 3000 civilians, a dozen emus, and one unlucky giraffe, all because Sex and the City got cancelled. The scene was terrible: bodies everywhere, children running for cover, leprechauns getting drunk and robbing that retarded kilt shop on Main Street. It was the worst massacre caused by the cancelling of a TV show in history. Let's just hope Queer Eye for the Straight Guy sticks around for a little longer or we're all screwed. The cops showed up at the gruesome scene promptly twelve hours later. They gave Jeff a warning and then went to Dunkin Donuts to get a burger. They beat and arrested the Dunkin Donuts manager for not having any. Well, Jeff has calmed down since the incident. People wonder a lot about Jeff's history, and let me tell you, it was a glamorous one. Back in China, where Jeff was born, he was the world's top wedding dress model. He made millions of Chinese Yuans, which in American is about five bucks. He owned large mansions filled with Anthrax and pancakes. He ate only the finest foods made of pure gold. Let's just say that Jeff was very anorexic while he was rich. Jeff enjoyed this period of luxury for awhile but soon terrible change came. Jeff bet all his money on that stupid Burger King commercial fight between Spicy Tendercrisp and Tendercrisp Chicken. He thought it was a real boxing match and not just a retarded ad to bring more people into Burger King. A strange man on the street, who happened to be completely naked at the time, told Jeff it was a sure thing that Spicy would win. Jeff couldn't refuse. The next day he went down to Burger King and asked if he had won the bet. The Burger King staff laughed for like an hour and then kindly showed Jeff to the door using their fists and handguns. As Jeff sulked outside, he saw the once naked man riding away in a limousine, fully clothed. Now that Jeff had no money left, he was banished to a far-off land that is nothing but pure evil, and a lot of stinkiness: Catskill! Here he remains, waiting to make a fortune, and watching The Young and the Restless over and over again. As I did with Vasyl, I will refer to Jeff as a body part as well. Jeff is the pancreas of the body, providing the insulin the body needs to live, just as Jeff provides us with the spirit and hope we need to survive in Catskill. He is our guiding light that cheers us up when we are sad. In short, he is a FAG.

Ivi Demi

When asked by my colleagues to write my own profile for the website along with all of theirs, I was a bit apprehensive, but than quickly jumped on the opportunity as I realized how much I could glorify myself (and as Jeff held a switchblade at my throat). I, Ivi Demi, am the rebellious, yet smashingly debonair bad ass of the group. How bad ass am I? Just last week, I was busy watering my petunia bushes when a wasp stung me on my hand. But what makes this particular sting so important? I'll have you know I only cried for five hours after the seemingly harmless wasp stung its mighty spear of diabolic evil into my shining hand of God's good will. This was a glorious record indeed, as I cried a miraculous 52 minutes less than Vasyl's "toe stubbing" incident a month earlier. Vasyl sure is a little baby. Anyway, I'd like to talk a little about my family roots. I came from a land of simple simplicities: a place called Albania. My father was a poor Idaho gopher. My mother was the harddrive to a 1979 I-Mac prototype, which could only play pong and buy stocks from KFC. One day, my father had a craving for chicken. He didn't want to simply go to the local KFC shop to settle this craving, he wanted to buy all of KFC. So, he went to the nearest computer around, which just happened to be the one with my mother (the harddrive) in it. They fell in love at first sight, which is really hard since my mom doesn't have any eyes. Together, using the money my dad had strived to earn and a recent four billion dollar inheritance, my parents bought KFC for four billion dollars. Now that my parents were rich with the profit coming in from the KFC shops, they could settle down with their family (me and my half gopher, half Bill Gates brother) in a foreign country, namely: America! But in a slight spelling error on our VISAS, we had to move to Catskill instead of Chicago. So, we made do and that's how I got to be who I am today. As with my other comrades, I will refer to myself as a part of the human body. With my Steven Segal attitude and Liza Manelli good looks, I am definitely the pituitary gland of the group, with overall control of the other glands (friends). Well, not really but I like to think that and the pituitary gland sounded cool so I picked that. To finish off, I would just like to say that I am the only one of the website group that is NOT A FAG. (Vasyl, Juan, and Jeff)-Don't listen to him. He is a FAG.