50 things you HAVE to do in college

Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, “Quite right, old bean!”


Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.


Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t wear it out!”

Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute.”

Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of the lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask if he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

Sing your questions.

Speak only in rhyme and hum the Underdog theme.

When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.”

Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly.

Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so.

Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY.”

Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together
whenever your name is spoken.

Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.
Address the professor as “your excellency.”

Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking.

Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture.

Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

Ask whether you have to come to class.

Present the professor with a large fruit basket.

Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class.

Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become agitated when the professor can’t understand you.

Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
Watch the professor through binoculars.

Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.

Ask to introduce your “invisible friend” in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”

Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.

As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor’s reply and proceed to do so anyway.

Claim that you wrote the class text book.

Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTOR!”

Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Sign-up Sheet #5” at the top, and start passing it around the room.

Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for “stud.”

Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, “Can you spell that?”

Disassemble your pen. “Accidentally” propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

Wink at the professor every few minutes.

In the middle of the lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can’t see Atlantis

50 fun things to do at an exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to power rangers

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks".

Laws of the workplace

• f you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

50 things to do in an elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!

4. Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. Censored by your son.

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on!

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say mmmm...tasty!

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say Ding! at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger.

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

My rules for being a pilot

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling
the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than
being up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6.The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
make all of them yourself.

10. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking
about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide
out in clouds.

11. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take-offs you've made.

12. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

13. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag
of luck.

14. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

15. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

16. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour,
the ground has yet to lose.

17. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the
experience usually comes from bad judgment.

18. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as
much as possible.

19. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

20. Remember: gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's
a law that is not subject to repeal.

21. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above
you, a runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Etch-a-sketch tech support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Stop shaking it.

Sarcastic remarks

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of frigging sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a frigging people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. You! Off my planet !!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like dogs too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
50. Okay, okay, I take it back! Un-Screw You!
51. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
56. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
61. This is a mean and damned cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
63. Earth is full. Go home.
64. Is it time for your medication or mine?
65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
67. I plead contemporary insanity.
68. And which dwarf are you?
69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72. It ain't the size, it's... no, I'm sorry, it really is the size.
73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!