A cool navy conversation

this is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Dad, this is how I know your a Engineer

The only jokes you receive are through email (OUCH)

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.

Buying flowers for mum or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma

If you find that you have to often explain how to use the gifts you have given other people.

Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room

In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure

The Salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

You are always late to meetings

You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling

You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.

You bought mum a new CD ROM drive for her birthday

You forget to get a haircut (for 6 months!)

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting

You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines

You comment to mum that her straight hair is nice and parallel

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects

You have Archie comics displayed anywhere in your work area

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

You have more friends on the internet than in real life

You have backed up your hard drive

You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.

You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

You know what http:// stands for

You look forward to Christmas only to put together our toys

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

You see a good design and still have to change it

You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring

You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it

You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (and vice versa)

You window shop at Radio Shack

You're driving the car, and mum is looking at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite

Your checkbook always balances

Your laptop computer costs more than your car

Mum hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work

Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz pentium

You've already calculated how much you make per second

You've tried to repair a $5 radio

Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.Chocolate

Guidelines for my Evil Empire

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the
River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time
during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do NotPush".
The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray
of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.
Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my
plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp
power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments
that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for
my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look
like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes.
All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops
will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never
utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that,
deathis usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of
machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is
probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems
will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same
reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will
surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the
only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to
every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting
for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the
forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and
will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give
the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for
what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my
weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay
him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with
respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it.
Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be
completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell,
I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my
castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my
Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covertmissions that require tact and subtlety,
I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot
learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for targetpractice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramaticallyand toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am
thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used.
Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?",
I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural
supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they
will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual
phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the
Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone whowatches someone
press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that
sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every
surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so.
However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals.
Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two.
They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made
a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me,
I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest,
even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my
five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label
the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of
standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge.
I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff.
(In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant,
I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it
has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he
gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him,
and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I
too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason,
I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated,
e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse."
Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properlygrounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my
legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is
unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until
my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged
perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few
months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness.
(Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me,
I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a
useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the
guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on
the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities.
If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them.
However if circumstance have forced them together against their will
and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the
intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension,
I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

And, I will have a rubber stamp that reads, "FIND HIM AND KILL HIM."

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will
provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Childrens books that didn't sell

1. You Were an Accident
2. Strangers Have the Best Candy
3. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
4. Some Kittens Can Fly!
5. Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
6. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
9. All Dogs Go to Hell
10. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
11. You Are Different and That's Bad
12. Dad's New Wife Timothy
13. POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games
14. Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets
15. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
16. Babar Meets the Taxidermist
17. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
18. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
19. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
22. How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School
23. Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
24. What is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
25. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
26. Bi-Curious George
27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
28. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
29. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
30. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
31. Grandpa Gets a Casket
32. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
33. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
34. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
35. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
36. Your Nightmares Are Real
37. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
38. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Bad Jobs

Pet Peeves

Drivers who don't use a turn signal.
People who read out loud what they're typing in an email or letter.
Kids who tease dogs through a fence.
People who drink directly out of the milk/orange juice containter.
Couples who sit on the same side of the booth when there is no one on the other side.
Parents who bring their young kids to R rated films.
People that don't use coasters.
People who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.
People who sit next to you on public transportation even when there are other seats available.
Noisy eaters.
Students who prolong class by asking the most inane questions.
Women who wear jewelry that clinks and clacks and makes noise when they're at their desk or keyboard. When people take 20 napkins, use one, then throw them all away.
Going through the drive thru, then having to go back when they screw your order up.
People walking around in ridiculous 'fashionable' shoes that are clearly hurting their feet.
Whenever anyone says "Ya, know what I'm sayin"...
Using speaker phones in public areas at work.
Roadmaps that aren't folded correctly.
Finding a shoe and not finding its mate next to it
Made up car names that are not even real words.
People who are mean to animals.
When a person makes a sucking noise with a straw when the cup becomes almost empty.
People with bad table manners.
People that snoop.
People who read the paper while driving.
People that interrupt you when your telling a story and then they continue to tell you their story and then ask you in an uninterested tone to continue on with your story when they are finished talking.
Drivers who won't turn right on red.
Vulgar talk at the dinner table.
People who chat online (instant messaging) while I'm on the phone with them.
Not having enough quarters to do laundry.
Couples that own a dog together and call themselves mommy and daddy.
When drivers bring their car to the wrong side of the gas pump.
When you genuinely ask someone what's wrong (when there obviously is something wrong) and they respond half-heartedly, "hmmm? oh nothing..."
People who ignore yield signs.
Double negatives.
Conspiracy theories.
Being asked my telephone number/account number AFTER I already entered in using the keypad on my phone. I thought I was supposed enter that info to "better assist me".
Not washing hands after using the bathroom.
People who push alcohol at social functions.
The noise people make when they rub their fingers on balloons.
When your spouse/roommate uses the butter to put on their toast, and leaves crumbs in the container.
People who don't perform their duties at work.
Guys who leave the toilet seat up.
Celebrities claiming to be environmentalists.
Dining with a picky eater (they can never order off the menu without customizing every aspect of the meal).
Tapping.
Men on trains who insist on sitting with their legs spread wide like they got something there.
When ice cream drips out of the bottom of a sugar cone.
Dirty keyboards.
People who zig zag in and out of lanes on the expressway.
People who ride their bikes in the road when a sidewalk is right there.
When people don't send thank you notes.
When somebody tosses something toward a garbage can, like they think they're a basketball star, then leave it on the ground after they miss!
People who take forever to order food while I'm in line.
When you open the DVD case and it is empty or a different movie is in it.
Car alarms that signal that they are on by honking.
People who walk their dogs and let them poop indiscriminately (like on someone's lawn), and does not pick it up.
The way people walk in flip flops.
Someone standing over my shoulder reading the computer screen.
People who write "Noone" instead of "No one".
Explanations that begin with the word "Again".
People who don't cover their mouth while sneezing or coughing.
Dirty dishes in the sink.
People who habitually need favors.
How opening any cheap electronic item these days requires cutting up your finger with cheap impossible to open plastic molding covering.
When you're eating candy and someone asks if they can have a red one.
Airline speak (like: "The lavatories ARE equipped with smoke detectors, so DO refrain...")
When you bite into a jelly bean and it's a different flavor than what you thought it was.
Having to go to a UPS / FEDEX office to pickup a package.
Uncomfortable chairs.
Chasing after a ping pong ball.
Jerks who take up 2 parking spaces.
Films censored and cut (for length) to be put on television.
When something I've been into for a long time becomes popular.
People who overuse quotes from movies or TV.
People who act like they're in their own living room at an event (concert, ballgame, play, movies or a restaurant).
People who give their kids weird names
People that don't list prices on websites, stores, and infomercials.
The creepers at red lights. You know, those people that start inching forward in their cars�slowly�until the light turns green.
People who clear their throats in a disgusting way.
People that pop and smack their chewing gum.
When people leave the cap off the toothpaste.
People who style their hair during Mass.
People who invite you out somewhere then cancel.
Women who wear too much perfume.
Relying on someone else to take a picture because I want to be in it, and it ends up coming out off-centered and out-of-focus.
Cutesy intentional misspellings: � lite� � kwik� � �R � for are.
You know when you ask someone a simple, straightforward question and they spend ten solid minutes rambling on about everything in the world EXCEPT the answer to your simple, straightforward question? I hate that.
When you order a salad at a restaurant and they bring it to you at the same time as your dinner.
Children's hand prints on the windows in car.
People who don't know the difference between its/it�s and they�re /their/there.
People who carry a one sided conversation
When you can't tell if someone is male or female.
People who leave the door open when they go to the bathroom.
Sick people who cough near you.
People who talk, whistle or sing to themselves at work.
People putting their feet out of car windows.
Greeting cards that throw sparkles, sequins or confetti on the hapless recipient
Having to use more than one remote control (one for TV, dvd player, cable box, TIVO, etc.)
Paying alot of money for a meal and getting a baby sitter only to have someone elses kids screaming.
When you're invited to a party (or any event) with people you have never met, and the host doesn't introduce you to anyone.
When you find a really cute piece of clothing on the rack and they have like twenty in size XS, two in size 3X, and not a single one in your size.
People who throw cigarette butts on the beach.
Saying "Let there be light" every time any light switch is flipped on.
When people say "What's up?" instead of saying "hi or hello".
People who leave shopping carts in the parking lot instead of taking them back to the corral.
People who go the wrong way in a parking lot.
People who write "Keep in touch!" in your yearbook but never talk to you again.
Unexpected company.
When someone with a full cart of groceries gets into the 10 items or less line.
Cats and dogs that are inconsiderate of their human's sleeping habits, and decide to romp, play, and destroy stuff at 4 AM.
People letting their dogs use my yard as their toilet.
Ignorant people.
People who read over your shoulder on public transportation.
Driving somewhere and having the sun in my eyes.
Not knowing if you've taken two pictures with a camera or there are just two left
When you adjust the volume of the TV and the volume display blocks the subtitles during an important dialogue.
People who think that they are the only one with correct background for understanding an issue.
Being the first one at any party.
People throwing trash into a recycle bin.
The naming of celebrity couples (Bennifer, TomKat, etc.)
Movie sequels that are unnecessary.
Litterbugs.
Drivers who tailgate.
Anyone � male or female- who says �We�re pregnant�. Are they sharing a uterus?
The "yes but" people.
When you have an itch on the bottom of your foot and you can't scratch it because you have shoes on.
When someone leaves their phone number at the end of a long message and they say it so fast you can't understand it and have to listen multiple times to figure it out.
People who don't dress their age
Suburban kids who think they are gangstas.
Peop;e who chew with their mouth open
People When they clean the tables nearby with a bleach solution. While I am glad they are sanitary, the smell of bleach can really quelch my appetite. having obviously PRIVATE conversations on their cell phone in public places.
When people put the spoons/forks in the wrong section of the utensil separator.
People who let dogs that jump up on everyone loose in public.
Clipping your nails at work.
When your eating something and a person will just steal a little bit of it.
Retail clerks that ignore the live customer to help somebody that interrupts by phone
People who don't pick up after themselves.
People who use the word "gay" to mean "lame".
When people refuse to be the decision maker about something simple (which restaurant to eat at, what movie to see, etc.).
When people say 'supposebly' instead of 'supposedly'.
In an obviously crowded restaurant, people who linger long after receiving their check.
When you pull a string hanging from your shirt and it doesn't break, but only becomes longer.
People who put salt on everything without tasting it first.
Not Washing Hands After Using the Restroom
Skinny jeans on men
No toilet paper or paper towels in public bathrooms.
When you will be talking to someone, and their replies seem to be limited to "ya", "cool", and "ok".
When somebody turns off the lights when you are still in the room.
People who can't complete a sentence without saying "you know".
When people don't clear the microwave numbers.
Finding the end of the program hasn't taped after sitting riveted for almost two hours.
People who say "It's always in the last place you look".
When people ask me for advice and do the opposite of what I tell them.
When people don't RSVP to an event.
People who will write something borderline mean, but then follow it up with a smiley face :)
People who don't control their bratty children.
People who refer to themselves in the third person.
People who leave their children in their cars while they run into the store.
People who snap their gum.
Caps Lock in text or in email, when PEOPLE SHOUT.
Girls who wear way too much make up.
People who always have to be right and have the last word.
People that cannot simply take their trash to the trash bin in places such as fast food restaurants, shopping malls etc.
People who no matter what relate to something you have done and try to "one up" you.
When someone is writing on a chalkboard and then they erase it to write something new, but they don't erase all of it, so you still see half of a letter here and there.
People that tailgate when your driving.
People who whistle when they are happy.
Fax machines that call my home number.
Rappers who thank God at awards cermonies.
Mumbling, then annoyedly saying "Forget it!" when people don't hear you.
People who use a calculator to figure out the tip at a restuarant.
Drivers who signal after they make a lane change.
People who spell "you're" as "your."
People who don't cash checks you give them in a timely manner.
The noise styrofoam makes when you rub it together.
People who blow their horn at you the nano-second the light changes to green.
When the garbage man turns my can upside down after dumping MOST of the garbage in it into the garbage truck. I go to collect the can and when I turn it right side up, the remaining garbage spills out on the sidewalk.
People who don't use deoderant.
When people continue to stare after they ask you a question, as if they need you to expand more on your answer.
Ice cream with freezer burn.
When the person who takes the last of something puts the empty package back.
Flakes! People that cancel plans constantly.
Hair strands left on shower walls.
When you first meet someone and can't remember the person's name by the end of the conversation.
Taking forever to leave a parking space while others are clearly waiting for it
Business buzz words: synergistic, globalize, paradigm shift, etc.
When people are using armrests on both sides of you.
Bosses who think your job is your life.
People sitting at a red light and continuing to sit there when the light turns green because they're on their cell phone.
Grocery clerks that want to bundle the receipt with my change. Hand me the money separately so I can put it in my pocket, and then hand me the receipt or place it in the bag.
People who dress their pets.
People who buy animals, only to get rid of them a week later because it was harder to take care of them than they thought.
People who mumble.
Whisteling out of tune.
Conversational High-Fives: High-fiving at any time other than when one is actively playing a sport
People who are always late.
When there are no hot dog buns left and you have to eat your hot dog on a folded piece of bread.
Men who ogle or whistle at women who walk down the street.
People who honk in front of a house instead of getting out of the car and ringing the doorbell.
Annoying nervous (forced sounding) laughs.
When you are asleep at a hotel and the alarm clock goes off in the middle of the night because the person who was there before you set it and never turned it off.
When you have to walk out of the shower naked because you forgot to bring a towel with you.
Needless meetings.
People who don't look at you when they are talking, or you are talking to them.
People who turn their stereos up full blast in their apartment building and have no consideration of others.
When you're driving down the road and a cigarette butt comes out the window of a car in front of you and it bounces off your car.
People who stare.
People who use the phrase "110%" (or even more % sometimes).
People who leave food that can spoil (milk, butter, etc.) out too long, instead of putting it back in the fridge when they are done.
People who put their feet up on the seat in front of them in movie theaters.
People who say the time like "Eight AM in the morning".
People who won't take their kid out of a restaurant when they are crying, screaming, etc.
Having to dress up for work just to have it downpour when you step outside.
When the host/hostess at a restaurant totally underestimates how long a wait there will be.
When people inturrupt you.
Guys who wear wifebeaters (and nothing else for a shirt) in public.
Forks whose tines don't stand up in a perfectly straight line
The sound of too much spit in someone's mouth when they talk.
Athletes who point to the sky after scoring.
Someone opening a cabinet door or drawer and leaving it open.
People say "carmel" instead of "caramel". Is it really that hard to pronounce that extra letter?
Bathroom stalls with a mirror so you can see your whole self while seated
Drivers who make u-turns where they are not allowed to.
In mini golf when you miss the hole three times in a row less than a foot away.
When someone starts to watch a show or movie in the middle of it and expect you to tell them what's happening.
People who think the seat next to them is a place to plunk down their gym bag/back pack on a crowded bus.
Clipping toenails in bed.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"
People who leave farts in elevators that I subsequently enter. Then the next person thinks it's me.
Commercials in movie theaters.
Keeping your Christmas lights up until February.
Overuse of the word "Like"
People who read a story, and purposely skip pages so that it ends quicker.
When you score a goal on yourself in foosball or air hockey.
People who drive past me on a crosswalk.
When the tiolet paper roll is backwards.
People who ask you what time it is.
People with poor umbrella etiquette.
When other people sleep on my pillow.
When you are hanging out with someone and they make plans to do something else right in front of you.
When people scratch their fingernails on a blackboard.
People who can't wait to file a lawsuit in order to get rich quick.
Wet, dirty, stinky, slimy dishrags left in a heap in the bottom of the sink.
Websites with horizontal scrolling.
People who use unnecessary abbreviations, like w/e (whatever), w/o (without) and j/k (just kidding).
People at Wal*Mart Supercenter who enter thru the exit and exit thru the enter.
Getting fruit in your bag on Halloween.
Going to a restaurant within the last hour before closing and everyone is cleaning,sweeping and slamming stuff around to get out of their quickly and at buffet the food is gone or old and dried up.
Walking into spider webs.
When the cashier gives you the change with the coins on top of the bills and for a moment you look like a fool jamming a large wad of cash into your pocket.
People who use self checkout lanes but don�t know how to use them and slow us all down.
Hearing classic songs that I grew up with...pimping products on commericals.
Stomping on the floor to simulate knocking on a door.
Using your finger as a gun.
Telemarketers.
Waiters/waitress who put their fingers on the top of the glass (where you drink from) when they deliver it to you.
Bars where the music is too loud.
People that don't answer e-mail.
People who are clearly unhappy and yet pretend like everything is just fine.
Failing to take a backpack into account when turning or backing into people
Yelling "drop it" the moment a conversation veers into an unwanted direction.
Cell Phone Drivers
Lawn ornaments.
People who borrow stuff and never give it back.
When people call me but are talking to someone else when I answer and I have to wait till they stop talking.
When you sit down at a restaurant and the waiter/waitress spends time cleaning other tables, when there are lots of empty tables, instead of taking your order.
When the tracking system for delivery isn't up-to-date.
Gray snow that won't melt; piled up on the side of the road
Bad breath.
People who refuse to expand their musical horizons.
People who complain out loud while waiting in a long line at the store.
People who say "Bra" or "bro" when it's not their brother.
When people put (sp?) after words when the spell check button is right there in front of them.
People who can't seem to see any faults in their kids or their mothers.
Piling up clothes in the corner of the room instead of putting them in the hamper.
Hair on the soap.
Mispronunciation of words.
People who are stingy with money when they clearly have a lot of it.
People who cook for you, and use the same spoon multiple times to taste what they are cooking while cooking it, like for pasta sauce or soup.
Having a drawer full of unknown cords, transformers, adapeter, etc.
I hate it when people take healthy food and fry it up in butter and eat it because it's "good for them".
Loud motorcycles.
When people trip over your their foot in the hallway and start running to pretend like they meant to do it.
When you ask for LOTS of ketchup and they give you only two or three packets.
Shopping carts with a broken wheel.
The sound of somebody playing with silverware on a plate.
Going out to dinner with a big group, eating $10 worth of food and having to split the whole bill and ending up paying much more than you ate.
When the waiter/waitress asks whether you want dessert, but smiles in a way that means she is clearly judging you.
Sitting in the movies and hearing someone eating popcorn.
Bathing suit tops as clothing.
People who pick their nose in public.
Car passengers that throw their doors wide open without first checking to make sure it is safe to do so.
Lazy people.
People who talk about their favorite sports team and say "WE" like they are a part of the team.
People who love to point out how wrong everyone else is while they are a walking train wreck
People who don't care what's going on in our country.
People who are over age 21 who say the word "dude".
People who spit on the ground and don't look first to see if anybody is around.
People who use their caller ID like an answering service. Example: "Hello?" "Yeah, someone call me from this number?" "Umm, who are you?" "Who is this?" "You called this number. Did you get a message?" "I haven't checked my messages. This number just came up". Etc..
Being put on the speakerphone without warning
Obnoxious doorbell ringers.
Adware, spyware, popups, viruses and other things that download themselves and install automatically
When people say the word huge incorrectly by dropping the 'H' and pronouncing it Uge.
When people change the TV channel without asking
People who make you take off your shoes when you go into their house.
People at a store/supermarket who wait in a long checkout line, and then when they finally need to pay they take forever to find their checkbook/cash/credit card.
Stores/companies that charge extra if you pay by credit card.
I hate slow people walking in front of me.
People who stop at the top or bottom of an escalator.
At a restuarant, when they clean the tables nearby with a bleach solution, smelling up my area.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
Dog poop on the sidewalk.
When those little hinges on the CD case break, and now you can't open and close it.
I know they have to do this, but I hate having servers recite the specials to me. Because I have never ordered a special, and hate having to feign interest in them.
The use of redundant statements like ATM Machine or PIN Number
Hair in the shower drain.
Men who refer to �babysitting� their own children.
People who are late.
People who don't use their turn signal, tailgate, and cut you off
How hard it is to open a new music CD.
Pee anywhere other than in a toilet.
Watching people put their contacts in.
How commercials are so much louder than the TV shows.
People who don't want to learn anything new because they know it all.
When you bend over to pick something up and miss the object multiple times, and the final attempt is a violent grab as if to say it was the object's fault.
Feeling a little juvenile when the waitress sees your drawings on the table at the Macaroni Grille and you're over the age of eight.
When you get out of the pool and your bathing suit sticks to you and exposes your crotch.
Singing along with the music when you don't actually know the words.
People who write checks during check-out. I hate waiting.
Men who talk down to women.
Email with no subject.
Grocery shopping carts with a bad wheel.
How clothes hangers get all tangeled with each other
Double dippers.
When people don't pick up their feet to walk and you hear the scuff... scuff... scuff.
People who brag about how trashed they got the night before.
Unsolicited advice.
Co-workers that try to sell stuff to you at work.
Trying to get assistance over the telephone, only to be directed to "press this number", umpteen times.
When adults cuss in front of children.
At a restuarant, bread cut only halfway, instead of into slices.
People who say I can't, without even trying.
People who leave their pets in their hot cars in the summer.
Speed bumps.
People who constantly get up in movie theaters.
When you are changing the TV channel and it goes black of a second before the channel comes up.
Dogs running around on a flatbed truck, which is going highway speed.
Parents who have their children on leashes.
PeOpLe WhO tYpE LiKe ThIs.
Restaurants that put too much ice in your drink.
Anti-climactic ends to long lists.
People who double park.
People who people park a shopping cart in the middle of the aisle in Wal-Mart or grocery store, blocking the way for others and then walking away to gather items.
When people use the word "literally" inappropriately. I.e. "I literally almost jumped out of my skin."
People who make out in public.
Babies sitting on laps in cars.
People who bring their babies to the movies.
People who stick their USED gum just about anywhere (under a table or chair, on the ground, etc.)
Dried toothpaste in the sink.
Junk mail.
People who talk on their cell phone at the movies.
When someone blows their nose in your presence and then proceeds to look at what just filled their tissue/handkerchief.
When people don't rinse their dishes before they put them in the sink.
Not letting things go the first time someone says stop.
People who don't accelerate fast enough at a stop light, especially if you're in the left lane.
People who stop right infront of you when your walking through town.
People that do not flush the toliet in public restrooms.
When you apply too much deodorant and you have to make a running-in-place type of motion.
I hate people who have no idea what "personal space" is.
Pants on men that are too short.
Dirty restaurant bathrooms. It makes me wonder how clean the kitchen is.
People who don't stop at stop signs.
People who smoke right outside the door of a nonsmoking establishment, getting smoke all over everybody who enters/leaves.
People who don't listen when you are talking to them. How many times have you said a few sentences to someone only to have them suddenly say "what did you just say? I wasn't paying attention."
People that don't return your phone calls.
Referring to any government agency as "the Fed".
If you are able to drink everything but one little drop of milk or juice, whatever...DON'T put it back in the fridge! Just finish it.
Air Guitar. Don�t do it. You look like a dork.
Dull pencils.
People who can't decide on one radio/tv station, and constantly flip back and forth.
The habit of tossing dirty silverware into garbage disposal part of the sink
Getting behind someone that will not drive up to the speed limit.
People who straddle multiple lines at the drug store.
When you're with a group of people and you think nobody saw that you just tripped, and you think you're in the clear. But the one person who did see it points it out to everybody else.
Family members who do not talk to you for years, but when they need or want something, act like nothing happened.
I hate it when people tickle me.
Gossip.
People who blow their nose at the dinner table or in the kitchen when you're eating or cooking.
Things sticking out of drawers
Utility/Cable service people that don't show up on time.
When someone is giving a speech in class and they won't stop looking at you as they speak.
A dirty stove top. When finished cooking, all food particles should be cleaned off the stove.
Using the toilet paper down to the last few squares without getting a new roll
Restaurants that have a no smoking section which is only several feet away from the smoking section.
People who don't move to the back of the bus when there is plenty of room to do so.
People who write on dirty car windshields
When shirts shrink in the dryer.
When you are trying to wax something, and you pull hard but nothing comes off and yet you still feel the pain.
Cussing in public, especially in front of senior citizens.
People who don't hold the elevator for you.
When you're trying to walk in the mall and there's a kiosk and they hound you to try their cell phone service or whatever.
People that say they don't like a certain food before they try it, and refuse to eat it .
People abbreviating words when they speak.
Barbecue restaurants with happy pigs on the sign.
Motel pillows.
Making me talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend who i have never actually met when i call you on the phone, saying something like, "oh here - talk to [---]".
Used grocery bags that aren't folded correctly.
Pieces of fat on meat.
Companies that outsource their customer service to India, but then those support reps don't have full access to all the needed info, so eventually they transfer you back to a manager in the US to deal with it.
Water stains on the cutlery (from the dishwasher).
Cracking your knuckles.
Speed Bumps.
People who tell you "Oh! You have to try this! It's the best thing ever!" And when you do try it and it sucks.
Drivers who drive slow in the left lane.
People who eat while talking on the phone to me.
People that fart in public.
People who invade my seat space, like on airplanes or in movie theaters.
People that make tons and tons of noise while working out.
Women who are obviously bottle blondes who still blame their stupidity on being blonde, as in: �Oh, no! I�m having a blonde moment!�
People/kids who tap their pencil during a test.
Sneezing in your hand and shaking someone's hand afterward.
Kids with baggy pants hangin below their ass.
Movie talkers
People who always look to start a fight.
When a utility sends you a letter about a rate increase that opens with: "In order to serve you better."
People who spit when they talk.
When men you don't know very well at all assume it is okay to call you "hun" or "babe."
When people bite their nails in the dead of silence and you hear them eating it.
Water running while brushing teeth.
Women who use PMS as an excuse to be bitchy.
People who finish my sentences for you.
People who constantly sniffle.
People who interrupt you to correct your grammar/speech, paying no attention to the point your are trying to make.
People who make up words.
Tangled phone cords
Using a napkin for eating messy food & leaving it on the table throughout the meal
When people say "you and I" when it should be "you and me".
When the string on the hood of your sweatshirt goes inside the hood.
People trying to enter an elevator when people IN the elevator haven't left yet.
When you have to go to the bathroom really bad after getting out of the shower and you don't dry off all the way, making the toilet seat all slippery.
People who are always negative.
If you pee on the seat, wipe it off.
Driveways that make cars bottom out.
Clicking pens.
People who assume far too much.
An unmade bed.
Barking dogs when I am trying to sleep.
People that realize that a lane of traffic is backed up so they go into the next lane over because it is moving quicker and they go up to the front and expect someone to just let them back over in that lane.
Having to explain the same thing more than once.
People who wear sunglasses indoors.
People who don't say "thank you" or even acknowledge you when you hold the door for them.
People who bite their nails.
When people cough in front of you without covering their mouth.
People who quote movies just because they can.
Getting stuck at red lights, while nobody is going the other direction.
People who don�t put two spaces after a period when they type.
When people don't flush the toilet.
Broken spines on paperback books.
Restaurants that give you rolls, but never enough butter to go with them.
A well done steak or burger when it was ordered "rare"
When people that say that they read something at a certain site but don't add the link.
People who whistle through their noses while just breathing.
When I'm having a coversation with someone, & I'm in the middle of telling a story and some rude idiot comes walking up and starts a conversation with the person I'm talking to...as if I'm not even there!
People that wait until the last minute.
Incorrect use of apostrophe's.
Parents who plead with toddlers.
People that burp loudly in public.
Wobbly tables.
People who text during a movie.
When it's raining and you turn your car off before you turn the wipers off, and they stop in the middle of the windshield, so you turn the car back on, the wipers off, and then the car off.
Chewing gum on the sidewalk.
Free offer that always have a catch.
When someone tries to talk to you when you have headphones on.
People who respond to my emails but don't include the text of the previous email in their email.
Men who refer to their wife as � the wife�- a wife is not an object.
When coffee spills out of the top drinking hole of lids on to-go coffee cups.
How commercialized the holidays are.
People who pick their teeth in public.
Snorting when you laugh.
Hypocrites (yeah, you know who your are)
People who interrupt you and direct the conversation to themselves.
People who make small talk with a cashier when there�s a long line behind them.
Stores with TV monitors at the checkouts that play commercials.
Spit flying out of people's mouth by accident.
TV shows and commercials ads with ringing doorbells or phones, which make you into thinking the sound is coming from your house.
I hate when restaurant staff starts clearing dishes away when not everyone has finished eating -- leaving the one person at a table of four to feel bad they haven't finished yet.
People who can't seem to understand that " red eyes" are possible to remove in photos.
Improper use of the word ironic
Waitors/waitresses with dirty fingernails.
People who scrape their fork around the plate.
Backwash.
Eating in bed and leaving crumbs
Spammers.
Fake laughter.
People who call but don't leave a message.
Wasting food, like when a person takes a full plateful of food and then eat two bites.
People who don't vote and then complain about the results.
People who try to talk to you when you are going to the bathroom.
When you're wearing a hat, after a while it feels like it's not there. When you take it off, it feels like it's still there.
Famous people name their kids stange names.
Tables at restuarants that are next to or in the direct line of view of the restrooms. I don't want to look at and think about people going to the bathroom while I eat.
People who say, "Goddamnit" or "Jesus Christ" when they're angry.

101 ways to annoy people

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.