1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Death worm version 1.03b
This is death worm. Currently one of the best games you can play at school. If you can't get it here then go on google and look it up,and download it or follow the link whatever
Go get death worm here
Go get death worm here
Thursday, June 12, 2008
My name is Zak
did I Say something about being iron man? Screw it there are no bits of metal at my house which is bullshit and believe it or not civilians aren’t allowed to store missiles in their home. Not even for protection what are we supposed to do call the police?
Instead I will make a list of all the bad things I have done and then go around all day and try to fix them. Maybe Paris Hilton will show up.
Man I am so original
Instead I will make a list of all the bad things I have done and then go around all day and try to fix them. Maybe Paris Hilton will show up.
Man I am so original
Monday, June 9, 2008
Zak Mehta-Iron Man
Today I have decided to to become Iron man
to do this I will have to make-piece by piece a fully power red Iron man suit, complete with shoulder mounted missile launchers.
This is going to be big. Or I might decide this is bullshit and I’ll give up. But because I’m retarded this is going to be the biggest skit in history.
to do this I will have to make-piece by piece a fully power red Iron man suit, complete with shoulder mounted missile launchers.
This is going to be big. Or I might decide this is bullshit and I’ll give up. But because I’m retarded this is going to be the biggest skit in history.
Retards prohibited
What? are you freakin serious?
this is John Howards fault.
everything bad that happens to me is always John Howards fault.
thank Jesus for Kevin Rudd
Retarded salvos
WHAT THE HELL?? MY RETARD SENSORS ARE TINGLING!!
Whats this the correct term is MENTALLY IMPAIRED
butts
no this isn't what you think it is.
but you thought it was didn't you?
I just put my knuckle up to the camera
Friday, June 6, 2008
Zak as a chef
Retards incorporated presents
Cooking on a budget
Dish 1: Watermelon
Ingredients: Rock
1: Throw rock at supermarket window
2: Climb through the window
3: Take the watermelon
4: Eat the watermelon
My childhood-the path to glory
Yup - I got one of those boxes with the magnifying class on the lid in which I could collect bugs. There was an anthill in the little garden in the middle of the street where I lived, so the first thing I did was go to my room and put on my prettiest, floweriest, pinkest Easter dress, and then go fill the box with ants. I’d knock on my neighbours doors, and they’d go, “Oh, how cute,” and then I’d open the box and scream “ANTS!!” at the top of my lungs, chuck the little suckers at them and run for the hills.
I was kinda dumb in those days, because I only hit those houses in my own street because I was forbidden to leave, so they only had to go two houses down to find my parents and tell them. Turns out one of them had to have an exterminator called because I’d thrown the Queen into their house. I got punished by being grounded - my pretty Easter dress was also given to Goodwill so I had to wear my ugly brown one - for a girly seven year old that sucked.
My childhood-the path to glory
A beehive showed up and I decided to throw a softball at it. I intelligently built myself a bee-suit out of winter type ski clothing. Not pictured is our above ground pool right below the hive. I think my plan was to knock them into the pool.
My childhood-the path to glory
My brother and I loved lucky charms for the marshmallow pieces you get in it, so instead of having to eat the lovely graham pieces to get at the good stuff, we decided to empty the entire box on the floor and eat all the marshmallow pieces. My mom wasn’t too happy.
Retarded to the max
This is the maximum amout of retardedness you can get
anywhere.
1. If you were paddling upstream in a river of chocolate pudding in a kayak and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes can fit inside a doghouse?
Answer: None, ice cream doesn’t have bones.
2. If there were two crows, one flying north and one flying south, what time would it be in Toledo if 7 astronauts landed on Neptune and a goldfish was stuck in a mini van on top of a tree in a middle of a 4-lane highway?
Answer: Purple, because bricks are hard.
3. If you were playing soccer while eating an apple and drinking mashed potatoes with maple syrup, how long is a train ride from California to Wyoming if you were taking a three-wheeled bus and a bungee cord.
Answer: 3 miles, because traffic cones are always orange.
4. If you lived on a planet where the grass was orange and lemonade tasted like chocolate milk, how many jellybeans can fit inside your mouth while eating green gelatin?
Answer: 3 kilos of potatoes would cost you $6.00 at a Indian Market in China Town unless you were buying 3 rabid squirrels and a turkey sandwich.
5. If you were delivering a package to the corner of the North and South Pole and inside the package were a green panda and a light bulb, how many years would it take to travel from Bombay to Bangkok if the elephant was carrying a camel and 2lbs. of salted fish?
Answer: 6 Centuries, because a monkey doesn’t have 5 legs or 2 wings to fly from Mexico to South Africa to purchase a mango and a cumquat.
6. If a man with a big mustache was trying to crawl through a window with 5 hippos and was trying to run to the nearest supermarket to buy two pairs of green pants, a banana, and a jar of walnuts, how many trees can fit inside a swimming pool full of vanilla pudding, pigeons, and lawn chairs?
Answer: 6 because a pinecone hit a woodchuck in the head and made it eat pretzels on a hot summer morning.
7. If a car was traveling east of the Mississippi River on a four lane highway while the driver was reading a newspaper and drinking Columbian Coffee, how many bags of birdfeed can a pig eat if it lived in Canada and her owner was illiterate and had 6 six kids who likes to eat spaghetti with tomato sauce?
Answer: Blueberry Pie, because it’s better than cherry pie.
8. If you put pistachio, roses, and an encyclopedia inside a blender, how many acres of forests are in the Pacific Ocean if the sky was purple and the letter “B” never existed in the English Alphabet?
Answer: 9 pens and a 6 foot long 2 x 4 because toilets flush in the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere.
9. If tree bark was sacred in Malaysia, how much water can fit inside a mailbox if the mail was delivered at 2 O’clock everyday except on Wednesday of every October except in a leap year?
Answer: 1 bag of string cheese costs more than sunflower seeds unless the string cheese is on sale or lobsters become extinct on the Eastern Atlantic Coast.
10. If two french poodles are eating hot fudge sundaes while swimming against the current of the Great Syrup River and a pack of rabid beavers is chewing a tree down in Laos, how many baseballs can you throw on the moon if it's 3:79 p.m. on Mars?
Answer: Two bags of freshly picked onions smell better than a bag of used newspapers unless it is Wendseday on Friday at the North Pole.
11. How many golf carts can a spider monkey carry if two donkeys, a giraffe, and seven penguins are playing poker for a turkey sandwich and two pennies at the North Pole on Pluto while the Earth is destroying the Sun?
Answer: 25 nickels are worth more than $20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
when three trained bears are riding two unicycles and an airplane at the same time while sleeping and eating a blueberry and butter casserole sent by their mother.
12. How can a pig swim up a mountain in a red Mercedes Benz with a llama in the back seat who played Santa Claus in the White House rendition of Oklahoma?
Answer: 3 chickens weigh more than a bag of potatos if it is 10:00 p.m. when an old lady has just finished her meal with ten rubber ducks.
13. If a giraffe is reading The Apples of Pain while getting a massage in Alaska and three burritos are juggling twenty logs at the Golden Gate, which sport has the most pie-inflicted injuries per capita?
Answer: Pigs can only fly when two hundred army ants are dying from a lava flow of the Amazon River or a trout slaps The President in the face.
14. What is the square root of 37.715 orange and pink striped hippos, if an ice cream cone can recite the whole Arabic alphabet backwards and ride a unicycle up a mountain that has a vertical slope?
Answer: 450 chipmunks are worth 4 pounds in Romania if a squad of trained squirrels from the Mafia shoot down a helicopter full of cabbage.
anywhere.
1. If you were paddling upstream in a river of chocolate pudding in a kayak and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes can fit inside a doghouse?
Answer: None, ice cream doesn’t have bones.
2. If there were two crows, one flying north and one flying south, what time would it be in Toledo if 7 astronauts landed on Neptune and a goldfish was stuck in a mini van on top of a tree in a middle of a 4-lane highway?
Answer: Purple, because bricks are hard.
3. If you were playing soccer while eating an apple and drinking mashed potatoes with maple syrup, how long is a train ride from California to Wyoming if you were taking a three-wheeled bus and a bungee cord.
Answer: 3 miles, because traffic cones are always orange.
4. If you lived on a planet where the grass was orange and lemonade tasted like chocolate milk, how many jellybeans can fit inside your mouth while eating green gelatin?
Answer: 3 kilos of potatoes would cost you $6.00 at a Indian Market in China Town unless you were buying 3 rabid squirrels and a turkey sandwich.
5. If you were delivering a package to the corner of the North and South Pole and inside the package were a green panda and a light bulb, how many years would it take to travel from Bombay to Bangkok if the elephant was carrying a camel and 2lbs. of salted fish?
Answer: 6 Centuries, because a monkey doesn’t have 5 legs or 2 wings to fly from Mexico to South Africa to purchase a mango and a cumquat.
6. If a man with a big mustache was trying to crawl through a window with 5 hippos and was trying to run to the nearest supermarket to buy two pairs of green pants, a banana, and a jar of walnuts, how many trees can fit inside a swimming pool full of vanilla pudding, pigeons, and lawn chairs?
Answer: 6 because a pinecone hit a woodchuck in the head and made it eat pretzels on a hot summer morning.
7. If a car was traveling east of the Mississippi River on a four lane highway while the driver was reading a newspaper and drinking Columbian Coffee, how many bags of birdfeed can a pig eat if it lived in Canada and her owner was illiterate and had 6 six kids who likes to eat spaghetti with tomato sauce?
Answer: Blueberry Pie, because it’s better than cherry pie.
8. If you put pistachio, roses, and an encyclopedia inside a blender, how many acres of forests are in the Pacific Ocean if the sky was purple and the letter “B” never existed in the English Alphabet?
Answer: 9 pens and a 6 foot long 2 x 4 because toilets flush in the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere.
9. If tree bark was sacred in Malaysia, how much water can fit inside a mailbox if the mail was delivered at 2 O’clock everyday except on Wednesday of every October except in a leap year?
Answer: 1 bag of string cheese costs more than sunflower seeds unless the string cheese is on sale or lobsters become extinct on the Eastern Atlantic Coast.
10. If two french poodles are eating hot fudge sundaes while swimming against the current of the Great Syrup River and a pack of rabid beavers is chewing a tree down in Laos, how many baseballs can you throw on the moon if it's 3:79 p.m. on Mars?
Answer: Two bags of freshly picked onions smell better than a bag of used newspapers unless it is Wendseday on Friday at the North Pole.
11. How many golf carts can a spider monkey carry if two donkeys, a giraffe, and seven penguins are playing poker for a turkey sandwich and two pennies at the North Pole on Pluto while the Earth is destroying the Sun?
Answer: 25 nickels are worth more than $20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
when three trained bears are riding two unicycles and an airplane at the same time while sleeping and eating a blueberry and butter casserole sent by their mother.
12. How can a pig swim up a mountain in a red Mercedes Benz with a llama in the back seat who played Santa Claus in the White House rendition of Oklahoma?
Answer: 3 chickens weigh more than a bag of potatos if it is 10:00 p.m. when an old lady has just finished her meal with ten rubber ducks.
13. If a giraffe is reading The Apples of Pain while getting a massage in Alaska and three burritos are juggling twenty logs at the Golden Gate, which sport has the most pie-inflicted injuries per capita?
Answer: Pigs can only fly when two hundred army ants are dying from a lava flow of the Amazon River or a trout slaps The President in the face.
14. What is the square root of 37.715 orange and pink striped hippos, if an ice cream cone can recite the whole Arabic alphabet backwards and ride a unicycle up a mountain that has a vertical slope?
Answer: 450 chipmunks are worth 4 pounds in Romania if a squad of trained squirrels from the Mafia shoot down a helicopter full of cabbage.
Another couple of my evil tricks
If Mr Smith's peacock lays an egg in Mr Jones' yard, who owns the egg? Answer
What is the eleven letter word that all Yale graduates spell incorrectly? Answer
A farmer had 15 sheep, and all but 8 died. How many are left? Answer
Do you say "Loo-iss-vill" is the capital of Kentucky, or do you say "Loo-ee-vill" is the capital of Kentucky? Answer
An electric train is moving north at 100kph and a wind is blowing to the west at 10kph. Which way does the smoke blow? Answer
If water going down the drain/toilet goes counter-clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere and clockwise in the Southern Hemisphere, in which direction would a toilet go on the equator? Answer
What is the eleven letter word that all Yale graduates spell incorrectly? Answer
A farmer had 15 sheep, and all but 8 died. How many are left? Answer
Do you say "Loo-iss-vill" is the capital of Kentucky, or do you say "Loo-ee-vill" is the capital of Kentucky? Answer
An electric train is moving north at 100kph and a wind is blowing to the west at 10kph. Which way does the smoke blow? Answer
If water going down the drain/toilet goes counter-clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere and clockwise in the Southern Hemisphere, in which direction would a toilet go on the equator? Answer
Another one of my evil tricks
How quickly can you find out what is unusual about this paragraph? It looks so ordinary that you would think that nothing was wrong with it at all, and in fact, nothing is. But it is unusual. Why? If you study it and think about it you may find out, but I am not going to assist you in any way. You must do it without coaching. No doubt if you work at it for long, it will dawn on you. I don't know. Now, go to work and try your luck. Answer
The Link
Here is my friends blog. It is not as good as mine but Jackson will learn to be more retarded.
normally he just puts in bullshit that you would find on youtube or on the news. Here it is anyway.
http://anythingandeverythingaboutanything.blogspot.com/
normally he just puts in bullshit that you would find on youtube or on the news. Here it is anyway.
http://anythingandeverythingaboutanything.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
The Riddles of the terrorist
Coffee Riddle
George, Helen, and Steve are drinking coffee.
Bert, Karen, and Dave are drinking soda.
Using logic, is Elizabeth drinking coffee or soda?
SOLUTION-
Elizabeth is drinking coffee. The letter E appears twice in her name, as it does in the names of the others that are drinking coffee.
Not a Zebra
I am black and white, but not a zebra I can be flat as a paper, or sharp as a knife I flip open and closed, yet I am not a door I can be quiet as silence, and yet loud as an orchestra. I often appear in cartoons, killing a few What am I?
Solution: I am a piano
George, Helen, and Steve are drinking coffee.
Bert, Karen, and Dave are drinking soda.
Using logic, is Elizabeth drinking coffee or soda?
SOLUTION-
Elizabeth is drinking coffee. The letter E appears twice in her name, as it does in the names of the others that are drinking coffee.
Not a Zebra
I am black and white, but not a zebra I can be flat as a paper, or sharp as a knife I flip open and closed, yet I am not a door I can be quiet as silence, and yet loud as an orchestra. I often appear in cartoons, killing a few What am I?
Solution: I am a piano
Wierd sayings
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours" He said, "Yes, but not in a row"
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium"
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again
While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out"
On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long"
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours" He said, "Yes, but not in a row"
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium"
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again
While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out"
On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long"
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
The digusting cow joke
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents and the cow dead, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. Afterdiscovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents and the cow dead, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. Afterdiscovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
A wierd joke
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."
A retarded joke
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said."Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! ? Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He saidto the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said."Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! ? Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He saidto the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
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