Wierd sayings

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours" He said, "Yes, but not in a row"

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium"

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again

While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out"

On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long"

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.