Retarded to the max

This is the maximum amout of retardedness you can get
anywhere.


1. If you were paddling upstream in a river of chocolate pudding in a kayak and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes can fit inside a doghouse?

Answer: None, ice cream doesn’t have bones.


2. If there were two crows, one flying north and one flying south, what time would it be in Toledo if 7 astronauts landed on Neptune and a goldfish was stuck in a mini van on top of a tree in a middle of a 4-lane highway?

Answer: Purple, because bricks are hard.

3. If you were playing soccer while eating an apple and drinking mashed potatoes with maple syrup, how long is a train ride from California to Wyoming if you were taking a three-wheeled bus and a bungee cord.

Answer: 3 miles, because traffic cones are always orange.

4. If you lived on a planet where the grass was orange and lemonade tasted like chocolate milk, how many jellybeans can fit inside your mouth while eating green gelatin?

Answer: 3 kilos of potatoes would cost you $6.00 at a Indian Market in China Town unless you were buying 3 rabid squirrels and a turkey sandwich.

5. If you were delivering a package to the corner of the North and South Pole and inside the package were a green panda and a light bulb, how many years would it take to travel from Bombay to Bangkok if the elephant was carrying a camel and 2lbs. of salted fish?

Answer: 6 Centuries, because a monkey doesn’t have 5 legs or 2 wings to fly from Mexico to South Africa to purchase a mango and a cumquat.

6. If a man with a big mustache was trying to crawl through a window with 5 hippos and was trying to run to the nearest supermarket to buy two pairs of green pants, a banana, and a jar of walnuts, how many trees can fit inside a swimming pool full of vanilla pudding, pigeons, and lawn chairs?

Answer: 6 because a pinecone hit a woodchuck in the head and made it eat pretzels on a hot summer morning.

7. If a car was traveling east of the Mississippi River on a four lane highway while the driver was reading a newspaper and drinking Columbian Coffee, how many bags of birdfeed can a pig eat if it lived in Canada and her owner was illiterate and had 6 six kids who likes to eat spaghetti with tomato sauce?
Answer: Blueberry Pie, because it’s better than cherry pie.

8. If you put pistachio, roses, and an encyclopedia inside a blender, how many acres of forests are in the Pacific Ocean if the sky was purple and the letter “B” never existed in the English Alphabet?
Answer: 9 pens and a 6 foot long 2 x 4 because toilets flush in the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere.

9. If tree bark was sacred in Malaysia, how much water can fit inside a mailbox if the mail was delivered at 2 O’clock everyday except on Wednesday of every October except in a leap year?
Answer: 1 bag of string cheese costs more than sunflower seeds unless the string cheese is on sale or lobsters become extinct on the Eastern Atlantic Coast.

10. If two french poodles are eating hot fudge sundaes while swimming against the current of the Great Syrup River and a pack of rabid beavers is chewing a tree down in Laos, how many baseballs can you throw on the moon if it's 3:79 p.m. on Mars?

Answer: Two bags of freshly picked onions smell better than a bag of used newspapers unless it is Wendseday on Friday at the North Pole.

11. How many golf carts can a spider monkey carry if two donkeys, a giraffe, and seven penguins are playing poker for a turkey sandwich and two pennies at the North Pole on Pluto while the Earth is destroying the Sun?

Answer: 25 nickels are worth more than $20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
when three trained bears are riding two unicycles and an airplane at the same time while sleeping and eating a blueberry and butter casserole sent by their mother.

12. How can a pig swim up a mountain in a red Mercedes Benz with a llama in the back seat who played Santa Claus in the White House rendition of Oklahoma?

Answer: 3 chickens weigh more than a bag of potatos if it is 10:00 p.m. when an old lady has just finished her meal with ten rubber ducks.

13. If a giraffe is reading The Apples of Pain while getting a massage in Alaska and three burritos are juggling twenty logs at the Golden Gate, which sport has the most pie-inflicted injuries per capita?

Answer: Pigs can only fly when two hundred army ants are dying from a lava flow of the Amazon River or a trout slaps The President in the face.

14. What is the square root of 37.715 orange and pink striped hippos, if an ice cream cone can recite the whole Arabic alphabet backwards and ride a unicycle up a mountain that has a vertical slope?

Answer: 450 chipmunks are worth 4 pounds in Romania if a squad of trained squirrels from the Mafia shoot down a helicopter full of cabbage.